Trials

My birthday is in two days. Do I feel like a birthday girl? Probably less than I ever have in my life. I'm kind of ok with that though, its not like I'm really excited about this birthday anyway... the big 26. Yay...

Well I'm off to a depressing start, but honestly I don't feel well right now. I'm just so tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I never could have imagined when I said goodbye to Kostya on August 10th that almost a year later I would be sitting here... still alone. I miss him and being apart, only being able to talk through Skype, has taken a tole on our relationship. I take out my stress on him and its not fair. In spite of that, he has always been sweet to me. I wish I had his patience.

I love him. I want to be with him. I mean, I'm actually considering living in Russia if this thing with the visa doesn't work out :P After all, when you have an eternal perspective what does it really matter where you live? I know that some people will judge me for marrying Kostya. Especially if I did ever move to Russia. But I don't care, they don't know Kostya.

I wish I could be more excited about this whole thing, go looking for a ring, dress, apartment and plan my wedding. But everything is so unpredictable! I don't even know when he's coming. Everything will be better once he has his interview and we know when he's coming. But then there's always the question... what if they deny him at the interview? I don't even want to think about that.

In the meantime, I've put on some comfy pjs and I'm watching my "feel good" movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces". Maybe someday I'll be curled up next to Kostya watching this movie. If he ever does come, as soon as I see him I'm going to run and put my arms around him and never let go again.