Love

What is love? I've found that the harder you search for a meaning the less it seems like you'll ever find one. Love isn't meant to be complicated, its not science. Someone once told me, "love is when you want to be with someone." I think love is found in the simple things. Wanting to be with someone, caring about someone else's happiness. Why should it be scary to tell someone you love them? Because love also means being vulnerable. When you love someone you open yourself up to get hurt. But what if rather than thinking about it as just letting your guard down, you thought of it as letting someone else help protect you? I think that's probably true love. Having enough trust in someone else to know that they have your best interests in mind, not just their own. So rather than going through this life alone watching my own back, I think I'd like to add someone to my team. Then we can take care of each other, we'll be twice as strong :)

The summer is finally coming to an end and I've been reflecting on my time in Moscow. Unfortunately, I do have some regrets. I would speak Russian more. I feel like I kind of let my self down in that department. But for the most part, I'm happy. It was an amazing summer. I may have been lazy with Russian, but I learned a lot about life. i got to spend time with one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Not enough time, but I'll always look back with fondness on what time we did have. It will be so hard to leave in August. I'm still trying to figure out why the perfect guy for me has to live in Saratov, Russia. But I suppose I just have to смириться с этим. You really never know where life is going to take you next. Maybe I'll just have to move to Saratov :P

а кто сказал что нельзя...

В конце туннеля яркий свет слепой звезды,
Подошвы на сухой листве оставят следы,
Еще под кожей бъётся пульс и надо жить,
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

В конце туннеля яркий свет и я иду,
Иду по выженной траве, по тонкому льду.
Неплачь, я боли не боюсь, ее там нет.
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

Светом....

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

нельзя...

You know, Russia can be oh so beautiful when it wants to be.

My heart aches right now. I went back to my mission this past weekend. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I saw a lot of members and non-members, all good good friends. For the ones who aren't members, my heart aches that they could never accept the gospel and I can only pray that one day they will realize what it could do for them. As for the members, I rejoiced to see who was doing well and my heart broke when I found out who was inactive. Luda, cute little 16 year old Luda is pregnant. I wanted to cry, not just because of the hard life she now faces, but because I know that the other members will never accept her. Most of all I just wish I could stay and always be that spiritual support for them that I was on my mission. But I know I can't, at least not in the same way. I have to get on with my life. But I really want to be there for them.

It was a completely crazy trip. We took a 15 hour overnight train from Moscow to Samara, then I took a bus by myself to Togliatti, stayed there for the day, and then met up with Kostya in the evening. Kostya then drove me to Samara where we picked up the other guys and drove to Balakova, Marks, and then Saratov in our little two door Lada. It was uncomfortable to say the least :) but fun. We got to Saratov at 6am. I slept for maybe two hours, then went to church. Kostya walked around the city with me. Took me to a museum, where there was a butterfly display. It was funny, this butterfly landed on my head and stayed there for like 10 minutes. The lady told me that I wasn't allowed to touch it... It was really fun to see Kostya. He's a good guy, and I feel like on of the most genuine people I know. Anyway, then I went to the Bennett's farewell fireside. President Bennett made us all get up and say where we served and stuff. It was so cool to see all the members, I'm glad there was a fireside and I didn't have to worry about going to all of their houses. How convenient :)

That night I stayed at Kostya's place, since I was leaving at 5am the next day I didn't really feel like it was worth it to sleep, plus I was talking to Kostya, so I got maybe an hour. Then we drove with the Bennetts to Samara. Stayed there for a few hours, and then went to Ulyanovsk. Saw some members, and then took a taxi to Kazan. We got a hotel room there and slept :) Then we walked around the city until it was time to go to the airport. We got back to Moscow at around midnight, or just a little after. Needless to say I was exhausted, and I think I'm coming down with something. Not surprising really, a weekend of no sleep... my body is like... nooooo!

seriously....

what the H-E double hockey sticks!!!!!

*big sigh*

Why is it that there's almost nothing more painful for me than seeing a person I used to care about in love with someone else. It all happened as I was coming out of trade secret today. I was exhausted after finishing the first draft of my thesis (nope I didn't sleep last night, which only makes me more emotional) and I thought I'd treat myself to some expensive hair product. Well... I got the deep conditioning treatment, and a нож в моё сердце в подарок :)

I stepped out of the store and there he was with his arm around his cute little wife. And on top of it all he had to look good, like really good. Thank goodness he didn't see me, I can't even imagine how awkward that would have been. I just felt so inadequate, like it wouldn't have been so hard if I'd have had something to show for myself. I might have even said hi... but all I could think of to say was... "yeah I'm still in the same rut that I was in before, and I still treat guys just like I treated you, and the best part? I still pretend like I don't need or want someone in my life. But congratulations... it looks like your happy. I'm really... kind of... happy for you!" Yeah... that would have turned out badly. It's probably a good thing that I turned almost immediately and walked in the opposite direction.

ANYWAY

moving on....

ok so there's nothing to move on to, and I'm really tired.

всё

*sigh*

First order of business... updates.

I got an A in my Japanese history class, not a B+, not an A- even... but an A :) You have no idea how happy that makes me. I actually enjoyed that class a LOT more than I thought I would. It was interesting for sure. I was going to write the professor a thank you note, but I forgot he was going to Japan to do research. He's probably already left, so this is going to have to do. Thanks for an interesting and fun class! It was surprisingly life changing. I can honestly say I came out of that class a better person, much more aware of the world around me.



Drink of choice right now? Frozen hot chocolate from serendipity. MMMMMMM. Thanks mom ;)

So on to more serious news.... some of you (very few of you) know this already, but for the past year or so I have been struggling with one particular problem, that problem happens to be a boy. My question: can you be addicted to a person? I think so. Not addicted as in the stupid line from twilight "you're like a drug to me..." or whatever... I'm talking addiction like something вредно like crack cocaine. But what if it wasn't actually so вредно. What if you kept going back to that person because you're supposed to work it out. So then how do you decide if what you think is вредно is really вредно.... вот в чем дело. What if you break said person's heart every time you tell them you never want to see them again, only to come back and start the cycle all over again. Why does that person keep taking you back?? I don't want to hurt this person, really I don't. For the most part I consider myself to be kind and considerate. But I just can't stay away. Can relationships really be like addictions? And if so, where's the rehab?


here's some of the stuff I'm doing in ceramics class

Alice in....

Insanoland....

Seriously, that movie was weird. And I'm not really sure how that can qualify as a kid's movie, maybe if you want your kids to go home crying and have nightmares for a month. As for Johnny Depp's dance... all I can say is, funderwhack? Really?

Anyway, life is good. :) There's stuff to tell but I'm too tired right now. I think it was a mistake to start this post right after work, because now I want to take a nap. Perhaps I'll finish this later. In the meantime I just want to say that my favorite moment of the day... nay, probably the week... was when Sophia told us that John (my boss) is going to be gone for the rest of the week. :D Joy.

Are those bells I hear?

And yet another one of my best friends has succumbed to the beast. Anne is engaged.

I'm happy for her, really and truly I am. Being engaged is fabulous, so I hear, and I'm glad that one of my great friends has found her better half. :) But the thing is... my single friends are starting to dwindle, and no one wants to be the last one sitting on the bench alone. So I'm conflicted. But the happiness definitely outweighs the sadness (I hesitate even to call it sadness... its more like frustration)

Yesterday was pretty funny, I really think that I should be quarantined if I get less than 6 hours of sleep. I mean, I get like sleep drunk or something. I start spewing random thoughts that make no sense. I suppose it's entertaining as long as you don't just think I'm crazy. Eh, well I choose to embrace my oddities. пускай я буду сумасшедшей :)

Since it's still relatively early in the day I'll say my favorite moment from yesterday. Hugs :) I don't get enough of them.

Dare I?

I don't know if you've noticed... but it's been a while since I've said anything. So what have I been doing you might ask? A lot. The documentary project that took up so much of my time last semester has been put on hold indefinitely, yeah kind of disappointing. But I'm still going to do it I swear. I just need to team up with some people that are a little more motivated. I still stand by the idea...

I almost got straight A's last semester :) That was a pretty big deal for me. I only got one B! New Testament... I guess that shows you where my priorities are. Heh, yeah. I'm still getting over the fact that I'll never take another class from Dr. Choate. I want to learn! More! His were perhaps the most brilliantly organized classes I have ever taken, is it weird that I love him so much?

Can I just say that I'm sick of old people questioning my personal life? It's funny because they always seem to find a way to make it my fault that I'm single. The other day my boss asked me if I lived at home, I said yes, so he said... "how are you ever going to get married if you don't meet boys?" Ok nosy boss, the problem is not whether or not I will meet a guy, it's whether or not I'll meet a guy who's not a total душ. Or my favorite is, "but you're so cute! how is it that you're not married?" What am I supposed to say to that? I guess this is what happens when you're 24, live in Provo, and still aren't married.

I'm venting too much.

So I'm taking my capstone class for history, yay... 25 pages of "Strange and weird history from early-modern Europe." Want to know my topic? Are you sure? Ok, 17th and 18th century cases of infanticide. Yeah, three months of research on infanticide... I hope I don't go crazy.

Speaking of which, we're studying WWII in my Japanese history class now. Man, I thought the European stuff was hard to take... why am I studying history again? I think I've had to desensitize myself to a certain degree in order to deal with all of these horrifying stories. War is awful, let's just leave it at that.

Anyway my parents are seriously contemplating coming to get me in Moscow when I'm done with study abroad! How fun would that be? I hope they really do. I want them to see Russia so bad.

Enough distractions for tonight, I'm getting back to my homework. The occupation of Japan post-WWII...