I'm typing this post on my iPhone, which is turning out to be only slightly irritating. I'm sitting in a biology classroom at Provo high school, which I swear must double as an ice box. I'm freezing!! What's with todays educational system? How are kids supposed to learn in this kind of environment, I know I can't even concentrate... There's cold air blowing on my back in the middle of winter! I'm going to get sick... I just remembered when Kostya had me put my hand on the back of his neck almost the whole way to Volgograd, all because of the wind... Didn't want to "get sick" he said. My hazyaika said he was just being хитрый. I would probably have to agree, it was blazing hot in that little car.

I miss Kostya, it's been almost five months now since I left Russia. We still talk everyday. I swear I could dedicate an entire blog to all the sweet things he says to me. He's the best, I really don't know what I'd do without him, ok yes I do, I would become one of those weird cat ladies and be completely selfinvolved. Kostya brings the best out in me, and the worst sometimes. Thats mostly my fault though, when I get pissy. I'm angry as can be, and there he is.... Calm and telling me how much he loves me, and I think to myself, "what a jerk...". Its like I just want him to get angry too so I don't feel so bad about being upset, but he doesn't. (yes I realize that's dysfunctional, I'm working on it.) Anyway, I love him.

Love

What is love? I've found that the harder you search for a meaning the less it seems like you'll ever find one. Love isn't meant to be complicated, its not science. Someone once told me, "love is when you want to be with someone." I think love is found in the simple things. Wanting to be with someone, caring about someone else's happiness. Why should it be scary to tell someone you love them? Because love also means being vulnerable. When you love someone you open yourself up to get hurt. But what if rather than thinking about it as just letting your guard down, you thought of it as letting someone else help protect you? I think that's probably true love. Having enough trust in someone else to know that they have your best interests in mind, not just their own. So rather than going through this life alone watching my own back, I think I'd like to add someone to my team. Then we can take care of each other, we'll be twice as strong :)

The summer is finally coming to an end and I've been reflecting on my time in Moscow. Unfortunately, I do have some regrets. I would speak Russian more. I feel like I kind of let my self down in that department. But for the most part, I'm happy. It was an amazing summer. I may have been lazy with Russian, but I learned a lot about life. i got to spend time with one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Not enough time, but I'll always look back with fondness on what time we did have. It will be so hard to leave in August. I'm still trying to figure out why the perfect guy for me has to live in Saratov, Russia. But I suppose I just have to смириться с этим. You really never know where life is going to take you next. Maybe I'll just have to move to Saratov :P

а кто сказал что нельзя...

В конце туннеля яркий свет слепой звезды,
Подошвы на сухой листве оставят следы,
Еще под кожей бъётся пульс и надо жить,
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

В конце туннеля яркий свет и я иду,
Иду по выженной траве, по тонкому льду.
Неплачь, я боли не боюсь, ее там нет.
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

Светом....

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

нельзя...

You know, Russia can be oh so beautiful when it wants to be.

My heart aches right now. I went back to my mission this past weekend. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I saw a lot of members and non-members, all good good friends. For the ones who aren't members, my heart aches that they could never accept the gospel and I can only pray that one day they will realize what it could do for them. As for the members, I rejoiced to see who was doing well and my heart broke when I found out who was inactive. Luda, cute little 16 year old Luda is pregnant. I wanted to cry, not just because of the hard life she now faces, but because I know that the other members will never accept her. Most of all I just wish I could stay and always be that spiritual support for them that I was on my mission. But I know I can't, at least not in the same way. I have to get on with my life. But I really want to be there for them.

It was a completely crazy trip. We took a 15 hour overnight train from Moscow to Samara, then I took a bus by myself to Togliatti, stayed there for the day, and then met up with Kostya in the evening. Kostya then drove me to Samara where we picked up the other guys and drove to Balakova, Marks, and then Saratov in our little two door Lada. It was uncomfortable to say the least :) but fun. We got to Saratov at 6am. I slept for maybe two hours, then went to church. Kostya walked around the city with me. Took me to a museum, where there was a butterfly display. It was funny, this butterfly landed on my head and stayed there for like 10 minutes. The lady told me that I wasn't allowed to touch it... It was really fun to see Kostya. He's a good guy, and I feel like on of the most genuine people I know. Anyway, then I went to the Bennett's farewell fireside. President Bennett made us all get up and say where we served and stuff. It was so cool to see all the members, I'm glad there was a fireside and I didn't have to worry about going to all of their houses. How convenient :)

That night I stayed at Kostya's place, since I was leaving at 5am the next day I didn't really feel like it was worth it to sleep, plus I was talking to Kostya, so I got maybe an hour. Then we drove with the Bennetts to Samara. Stayed there for a few hours, and then went to Ulyanovsk. Saw some members, and then took a taxi to Kazan. We got a hotel room there and slept :) Then we walked around the city until it was time to go to the airport. We got back to Moscow at around midnight, or just a little after. Needless to say I was exhausted, and I think I'm coming down with something. Not surprising really, a weekend of no sleep... my body is like... nooooo!

seriously....

what the H-E double hockey sticks!!!!!

*big sigh*

Why is it that there's almost nothing more painful for me than seeing a person I used to care about in love with someone else. It all happened as I was coming out of trade secret today. I was exhausted after finishing the first draft of my thesis (nope I didn't sleep last night, which only makes me more emotional) and I thought I'd treat myself to some expensive hair product. Well... I got the deep conditioning treatment, and a нож в моё сердце в подарок :)

I stepped out of the store and there he was with his arm around his cute little wife. And on top of it all he had to look good, like really good. Thank goodness he didn't see me, I can't even imagine how awkward that would have been. I just felt so inadequate, like it wouldn't have been so hard if I'd have had something to show for myself. I might have even said hi... but all I could think of to say was... "yeah I'm still in the same rut that I was in before, and I still treat guys just like I treated you, and the best part? I still pretend like I don't need or want someone in my life. But congratulations... it looks like your happy. I'm really... kind of... happy for you!" Yeah... that would have turned out badly. It's probably a good thing that I turned almost immediately and walked in the opposite direction.

ANYWAY

moving on....

ok so there's nothing to move on to, and I'm really tired.

всё

*sigh*

First order of business... updates.

I got an A in my Japanese history class, not a B+, not an A- even... but an A :) You have no idea how happy that makes me. I actually enjoyed that class a LOT more than I thought I would. It was interesting for sure. I was going to write the professor a thank you note, but I forgot he was going to Japan to do research. He's probably already left, so this is going to have to do. Thanks for an interesting and fun class! It was surprisingly life changing. I can honestly say I came out of that class a better person, much more aware of the world around me.



Drink of choice right now? Frozen hot chocolate from serendipity. MMMMMMM. Thanks mom ;)

So on to more serious news.... some of you (very few of you) know this already, but for the past year or so I have been struggling with one particular problem, that problem happens to be a boy. My question: can you be addicted to a person? I think so. Not addicted as in the stupid line from twilight "you're like a drug to me..." or whatever... I'm talking addiction like something вредно like crack cocaine. But what if it wasn't actually so вредно. What if you kept going back to that person because you're supposed to work it out. So then how do you decide if what you think is вредно is really вредно.... вот в чем дело. What if you break said person's heart every time you tell them you never want to see them again, only to come back and start the cycle all over again. Why does that person keep taking you back?? I don't want to hurt this person, really I don't. For the most part I consider myself to be kind and considerate. But I just can't stay away. Can relationships really be like addictions? And if so, where's the rehab?


here's some of the stuff I'm doing in ceramics class