Yahooo!

Well folks, we heard from the embassy, FINALLY! :) We're both so relieved. They scheduled an interview for him on the 29th of August. That's in just a few weeks!! I've got almost everything together that I need to send him, I had to get a letter from my employer and a statement from my bank and I'll just have to send him some "evidence of our relationship" stuff and we're good! I can't imagine that they would deny him... that would just be mean. Which means... he will be here soon! We have set a date for October 22, we even have an appointment at the temple. Yay!

My life

I feel like writing something, but honestly I'm not really sure what to say. I had a good day at work today, I actually got all of my Tuesday goals done, which I haven't been able to do on a Monday for a long time. Not since I broke 800 with my clients. I have almost 850 clients. That's a lot of voice mails/emails and phone calls to deal with. Not to mention mail! I would like to count sometime how many letters I mail in a week. If I only had a quarter for every time I tried to call one of my client's and ended up having to send a no phones letter because every one (out of the five) numbers that they have given us is not in service. It makes you really grateful for what you have. Before I got this job it never really occurred to me how hard it can be for some people even to keep a phone on. I like my job. I like that I get to help people. And some of the people I deal with really do need help.

One of my favorites is a client who called in and wanted us to withdraw from her claim. She didn't think we had been working on her claim. Not only had we worked on her claim, but we had been working on it for several months. I tried to kindly explain to her that we would be keeping fees on her case, and she would probably have to end up paying us anyway for the work that we have done. "But you have't done any work!" "Yes, we have ma'am, we've done blah blah.. etc" "Well I don't want to you to be working on my case when you're not even doing anything" "But as I explained earlier we are doing this and this.." "I don't want you working on my case" "Well, then I will need that in writing, but keep in mind we will keep fees." "F you F you F you F you!!!!!" *click* "Oh my.."

A week later I get a voice mail. "I would like to apologize and I would like you to keep working on my case. I would like to withdraw my withdraw."

I looked on her application to see what condition she was applying for... bipolar.

Oh, the fun things I deal with everyday. But alas, it is excellent experience in customer service. I've calmed down so many raging clients. The ironic part though is that the raging ones usually are the ones who have nothing to rage about. The one's that have claims that actually get messed up are 9 times out of 10 really nice about it. There's humility for you.

Anyway, its late, and I probably shouldn't be talking about my client's anyway. Something about confidentiality and yada yada yada... :P Goodnight :)

Trials

My birthday is in two days. Do I feel like a birthday girl? Probably less than I ever have in my life. I'm kind of ok with that though, its not like I'm really excited about this birthday anyway... the big 26. Yay...

Well I'm off to a depressing start, but honestly I don't feel well right now. I'm just so tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I never could have imagined when I said goodbye to Kostya on August 10th that almost a year later I would be sitting here... still alone. I miss him and being apart, only being able to talk through Skype, has taken a tole on our relationship. I take out my stress on him and its not fair. In spite of that, he has always been sweet to me. I wish I had his patience.

I love him. I want to be with him. I mean, I'm actually considering living in Russia if this thing with the visa doesn't work out :P After all, when you have an eternal perspective what does it really matter where you live? I know that some people will judge me for marrying Kostya. Especially if I did ever move to Russia. But I don't care, they don't know Kostya.

I wish I could be more excited about this whole thing, go looking for a ring, dress, apartment and plan my wedding. But everything is so unpredictable! I don't even know when he's coming. Everything will be better once he has his interview and we know when he's coming. But then there's always the question... what if they deny him at the interview? I don't even want to think about that.

In the meantime, I've put on some comfy pjs and I'm watching my "feel good" movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces". Maybe someday I'll be curled up next to Kostya watching this movie. If he ever does come, as soon as I see him I'm going to run and put my arms around him and never let go again.

I'm typing this post on my iPhone, which is turning out to be only slightly irritating. I'm sitting in a biology classroom at Provo high school, which I swear must double as an ice box. I'm freezing!! What's with todays educational system? How are kids supposed to learn in this kind of environment, I know I can't even concentrate... There's cold air blowing on my back in the middle of winter! I'm going to get sick... I just remembered when Kostya had me put my hand on the back of his neck almost the whole way to Volgograd, all because of the wind... Didn't want to "get sick" he said. My hazyaika said he was just being хитрый. I would probably have to agree, it was blazing hot in that little car.

I miss Kostya, it's been almost five months now since I left Russia. We still talk everyday. I swear I could dedicate an entire blog to all the sweet things he says to me. He's the best, I really don't know what I'd do without him, ok yes I do, I would become one of those weird cat ladies and be completely selfinvolved. Kostya brings the best out in me, and the worst sometimes. Thats mostly my fault though, when I get pissy. I'm angry as can be, and there he is.... Calm and telling me how much he loves me, and I think to myself, "what a jerk...". Its like I just want him to get angry too so I don't feel so bad about being upset, but he doesn't. (yes I realize that's dysfunctional, I'm working on it.) Anyway, I love him.

Love

What is love? I've found that the harder you search for a meaning the less it seems like you'll ever find one. Love isn't meant to be complicated, its not science. Someone once told me, "love is when you want to be with someone." I think love is found in the simple things. Wanting to be with someone, caring about someone else's happiness. Why should it be scary to tell someone you love them? Because love also means being vulnerable. When you love someone you open yourself up to get hurt. But what if rather than thinking about it as just letting your guard down, you thought of it as letting someone else help protect you? I think that's probably true love. Having enough trust in someone else to know that they have your best interests in mind, not just their own. So rather than going through this life alone watching my own back, I think I'd like to add someone to my team. Then we can take care of each other, we'll be twice as strong :)

The summer is finally coming to an end and I've been reflecting on my time in Moscow. Unfortunately, I do have some regrets. I would speak Russian more. I feel like I kind of let my self down in that department. But for the most part, I'm happy. It was an amazing summer. I may have been lazy with Russian, but I learned a lot about life. i got to spend time with one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Not enough time, but I'll always look back with fondness on what time we did have. It will be so hard to leave in August. I'm still trying to figure out why the perfect guy for me has to live in Saratov, Russia. But I suppose I just have to смириться с этим. You really never know where life is going to take you next. Maybe I'll just have to move to Saratov :P

а кто сказал что нельзя...

В конце туннеля яркий свет слепой звезды,
Подошвы на сухой листве оставят следы,
Еще под кожей бъётся пульс и надо жить,
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

В конце туннеля яркий свет и я иду,
Иду по выженной траве, по тонкому льду.
Неплачь, я боли не боюсь, ее там нет.
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

Светом....

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

нельзя...

You know, Russia can be oh so beautiful when it wants to be.

My heart aches right now. I went back to my mission this past weekend. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I saw a lot of members and non-members, all good good friends. For the ones who aren't members, my heart aches that they could never accept the gospel and I can only pray that one day they will realize what it could do for them. As for the members, I rejoiced to see who was doing well and my heart broke when I found out who was inactive. Luda, cute little 16 year old Luda is pregnant. I wanted to cry, not just because of the hard life she now faces, but because I know that the other members will never accept her. Most of all I just wish I could stay and always be that spiritual support for them that I was on my mission. But I know I can't, at least not in the same way. I have to get on with my life. But I really want to be there for them.

It was a completely crazy trip. We took a 15 hour overnight train from Moscow to Samara, then I took a bus by myself to Togliatti, stayed there for the day, and then met up with Kostya in the evening. Kostya then drove me to Samara where we picked up the other guys and drove to Balakova, Marks, and then Saratov in our little two door Lada. It was uncomfortable to say the least :) but fun. We got to Saratov at 6am. I slept for maybe two hours, then went to church. Kostya walked around the city with me. Took me to a museum, where there was a butterfly display. It was funny, this butterfly landed on my head and stayed there for like 10 minutes. The lady told me that I wasn't allowed to touch it... It was really fun to see Kostya. He's a good guy, and I feel like on of the most genuine people I know. Anyway, then I went to the Bennett's farewell fireside. President Bennett made us all get up and say where we served and stuff. It was so cool to see all the members, I'm glad there was a fireside and I didn't have to worry about going to all of their houses. How convenient :)

That night I stayed at Kostya's place, since I was leaving at 5am the next day I didn't really feel like it was worth it to sleep, plus I was talking to Kostya, so I got maybe an hour. Then we drove with the Bennetts to Samara. Stayed there for a few hours, and then went to Ulyanovsk. Saw some members, and then took a taxi to Kazan. We got a hotel room there and slept :) Then we walked around the city until it was time to go to the airport. We got back to Moscow at around midnight, or just a little after. Needless to say I was exhausted, and I think I'm coming down with something. Not surprising really, a weekend of no sleep... my body is like... nooooo!