There Must Be A Reason

Yahooo!

2011-08-05T22:34:00.001-07:00

Well folks, we heard from the embassy, FINALLY! :) We're both so relieved. They scheduled an interview for him on the 29th of August. That's in just a few weeks!! I've got almost everything together that I need to send him, I had to get a letter from my employer and a statement from my bank and I'll just have to send him some "evidence of our relationship" stuff and we're good! I can't imagine that they would deny him... that would just be mean. Which means... he will be here soon! We have set a date for October 22, we even have an appointment at the temple. Yay!

My life

2011-08-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing something, but honestly I'm not really sure what to say. I had a good day at work today, I actually got all of my Tuesday goals done, which I haven't been able to do on a Monday for a long time. Not since I broke 800 with my clients. I have almost 850 clients. That's a lot of voice mails/emails and phone calls to deal with. Not to mention mail! I would like to count sometime how many letters I mail in a week. If I only had a quarter for every time I tried to call one of my client's and ended up having to send a no phones letter because every one (out of the five) numbers that they have given us is not in service. It makes you really grateful for what you have. Before I got this job it never really occurred to me how hard it can be for some people even to keep a phone on. I like my job. I like that I get to help people. And some of the people I deal with really do need help.

One of my favorites is a client who called in and wanted us to withdraw from her claim. She didn't think we had been working on her claim. Not only had we worked on her claim, but we had been working on it for several months. I tried to kindly explain to her that we would be keeping fees on her case, and she would probably have to end up paying us anyway for the work that we have done. "But you have't done any work!" "Yes, we have ma'am, we've done blah blah.. etc" "Well I don't want to you to be working on my case when you're not even doing anything" "But as I explained earlier we are doing this and this.." "I don't want you working on my case" "Well, then I will need that in writing, but keep in mind we will keep fees." "F you F you F you F you!!!!!" *click* "Oh my.."

A week later I get a voice mail. "I would like to apologize and I would like you to keep working on my case. I would like to withdraw my withdraw."

I looked on her application to see what condition she was applying for... bipolar.

Oh, the fun things I deal with everyday. But alas, it is excellent experience in customer service. I've calmed down so many raging clients. The ironic part though is that the raging ones usually are the ones who have nothing to rage about. The one's that have claims that actually get messed up are 9 times out of 10 really nice about it. There's humility for you.

Anyway, its late, and I probably shouldn't be talking about my client's anyway. Something about confidentiality and yada yada yada... :P Goodnight :)

Trials

2011-07-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

My birthday is in two days. Do I feel like a birthday girl? Probably less than I ever have in my life. I'm kind of ok with that though, its not like I'm really excited about this birthday anyway... the big 26. Yay...

Well I'm off to a depressing start, but honestly I don't feel well right now. I'm just so tired, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I never could have imagined when I said goodbye to Kostya on August 10th that almost a year later I would be sitting here... still alone. I miss him and being apart, only being able to talk through Skype, has taken a tole on our relationship. I take out my stress on him and its not fair. In spite of that, he has always been sweet to me. I wish I had his patience.

I love him. I want to be with him. I mean, I'm actually considering living in Russia if this thing with the visa doesn't work out :P After all, when you have an eternal perspective what does it really matter where you live? I know that some people will judge me for marrying Kostya. Especially if I did ever move to Russia. But I don't care, they don't know Kostya.

I wish I could be more excited about this whole thing, go looking for a ring, dress, apartment and plan my wedding. But everything is so unpredictable! I don't even know when he's coming. Everything will be better once he has his interview and we know when he's coming. But then there's always the question... what if they deny him at the interview? I don't even want to think about that.

In the meantime, I've put on some comfy pjs and I'm watching my "feel good" movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces". Maybe someday I'll be curled up next to Kostya watching this movie. If he ever does come, as soon as I see him I'm going to run and put my arms around him and never let go again.

2011-01-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm typing this post on my iPhone, which is turning out to be only slightly irritating. I'm sitting in a biology classroom at Provo high school, which I swear must double as an ice box. I'm freezing!! What's with todays educational system? How are kids supposed to learn in this kind of environment, I know I can't even concentrate... There's cold air blowing on my back in the middle of winter! I'm going to get sick... I just remembered when Kostya had me put my hand on the back of his neck almost the whole way to Volgograd, all because of the wind... Didn't want to "get sick" he said. My hazyaika said he was just being хитрый. I would probably have to agree, it was blazing hot in that little car.

I miss Kostya, it's been almost five months now since I left Russia. We still talk everyday. I swear I could dedicate an entire blog to all the sweet things he says to me. He's the best, I really don't know what I'd do without him, ok yes I do, I would become one of those weird cat ladies and be completely selfinvolved. Kostya brings the best out in me, and the worst sometimes. Thats mostly my fault though, when I get pissy. I'm angry as can be, and there he is.... Calm and telling me how much he loves me, and I think to myself, "what a jerk...". Its like I just want him to get angry too so I don't feel so bad about being upset, but he doesn't. (yes I realize that's dysfunctional, I'm working on it.) Anyway, I love him.

Love

2010-07-29T04:21:00.000-07:00

What is love? I've found that the harder you search for a meaning the less it seems like you'll ever find one. Love isn't meant to be complicated, its not science. Someone once told me, "love is when you want to be with someone." I think love is found in the simple things. Wanting to be with someone, caring about someone else's happiness. Why should it be scary to tell someone you love them? Because love also means being vulnerable. When you love someone you open yourself up to get hurt. But what if rather than thinking about it as just letting your guard down, you thought of it as letting someone else help protect you? I think that's probably true love. Having enough trust in someone else to know that they have your best interests in mind, not just their own. So rather than going through this life alone watching my own back, I think I'd like to add someone to my team. Then we can take care of each other, we'll be twice as strong :)

The summer is finally coming to an end and I've been reflecting on my time in Moscow. Unfortunately, I do have some regrets. I would speak Russian more. I feel like I kind of let my self down in that department. But for the most part, I'm happy. It was an amazing summer. I may have been lazy with Russian, but I learned a lot about life. i got to spend time with one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Not enough time, but I'll always look back with fondness on what time we did have. It will be so hard to leave in August. I'm still trying to figure out why the perfect guy for me has to live in Saratov, Russia. But I suppose I just have to смириться с этим. You really never know where life is going to take you next. Maybe I'll just have to move to Saratov :P

а кто сказал что нельзя...

2010-06-17T03:25:00.000-07:00

В конце туннеля яркий свет слепой звезды,
Подошвы на сухой листве оставят следы,
Еще под кожей бъётся пульс и надо жить,
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

В конце туннеля яркий свет и я иду,
Иду по выженной траве, по тонкому льду.
Неплачь, я боли не боюсь, ее там нет.
Я больше може не вернусь, а может... я с тобой останусь.

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

Светом....

Останусь пеплом на губах,
Останусь пламенем в глазах,
В твоих руках дыханьем ветра...
Останусь снегом на щеке,
Останусь светом в далеке,
Я для тебя останусь - светом.

нельзя...

2010-06-17T02:27:00.000-07:00

You know, Russia can be oh so beautiful when it wants to be.

My heart aches right now. I went back to my mission this past weekend. It was a whirlwind of emotions. I saw a lot of members and non-members, all good good friends. For the ones who aren't members, my heart aches that they could never accept the gospel and I can only pray that one day they will realize what it could do for them. As for the members, I rejoiced to see who was doing well and my heart broke when I found out who was inactive. Luda, cute little 16 year old Luda is pregnant. I wanted to cry, not just because of the hard life she now faces, but because I know that the other members will never accept her. Most of all I just wish I could stay and always be that spiritual support for them that I was on my mission. But I know I can't, at least not in the same way. I have to get on with my life. But I really want to be there for them.

It was a completely crazy trip. We took a 15 hour overnight train from Moscow to Samara, then I took a bus by myself to Togliatti, stayed there for the day, and then met up with Kostya in the evening. Kostya then drove me to Samara where we picked up the other guys and drove to Balakova, Marks, and then Saratov in our little two door Lada. It was uncomfortable to say the least :) but fun. We got to Saratov at 6am. I slept for maybe two hours, then went to church. Kostya walked around the city with me. Took me to a museum, where there was a butterfly display. It was funny, this butterfly landed on my head and stayed there for like 10 minutes. The lady told me that I wasn't allowed to touch it... It was really fun to see Kostya. He's a good guy, and I feel like on of the most genuine people I know. Anyway, then I went to the Bennett's farewell fireside. President Bennett made us all get up and say where we served and stuff. It was so cool to see all the members, I'm glad there was a fireside and I didn't have to worry about going to all of their houses. How convenient :)

That night I stayed at Kostya's place, since I was leaving at 5am the next day I didn't really feel like it was worth it to sleep, plus I was talking to Kostya, so I got maybe an hour. Then we drove with the Bennetts to Samara. Stayed there for a few hours, and then went to Ulyanovsk. Saw some members, and then took a taxi to Kazan. We got a hotel room there and slept :) Then we walked around the city until it was time to go to the airport. We got back to Moscow at around midnight, or just a little after. Needless to say I was exhausted, and I think I'm coming down with something. Not surprising really, a weekend of no sleep... my body is like... nooooo!

seriously....

2010-04-02T22:29:00.001-07:00

what the H-E double hockey sticks!!!!!

big sigh

2010-03-31T20:24:00.001-07:00

Why is it that there's almost nothing more painful for me than seeing a person I used to care about in love with someone else. It all happened as I was coming out of trade secret today. I was exhausted after finishing the first draft of my thesis (nope I didn't sleep last night, which only makes me more emotional) and I thought I'd treat myself to some expensive hair product. Well... I got the deep conditioning treatment, and a нож в моё сердце в подарок :)

I stepped out of the store and there he was with his arm around his cute little wife. And on top of it all he had to look good, like really good. Thank goodness he didn't see me, I can't even imagine how awkward that would have been. I just felt so inadequate, like it wouldn't have been so hard if I'd have had something to show for myself. I might have even said hi... but all I could think of to say was... "yeah I'm still in the same rut that I was in before, and I still treat guys just like I treated you, and the best part? I still pretend like I don't need or want someone in my life. But congratulations... it looks like your happy. I'm really... kind of... happy for you!" Yeah... that would have turned out badly. It's probably a good thing that I turned almost immediately and walked in the opposite direction.

ANYWAY

moving on....

ok so there's nothing to move on to, and I'm really tired.

всё

sigh

2010-03-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

First order of business... updates.

I got an A in my Japanese history class, not a B+, not an A- even... but an A :) You have no idea how happy that makes me. I actually enjoyed that class a LOT more than I thought I would. It was interesting for sure. I was going to write the professor a thank you note, but I forgot he was going to Japan to do research. He's probably already left, so this is going to have to do. Thanks for an interesting and fun class! It was surprisingly life changing. I can honestly say I came out of that class a better person, much more aware of the world around me.

Drink of choice right now? Frozen hot chocolate from serendipity. MMMMMMM. Thanks mom ;)

So on to more serious news.... some of you (very few of you) know this already, but for the past year or so I have been struggling with one particular problem, that problem happens to be a boy. My question: can you be addicted to a person? I think so. Not addicted as in the stupid line from twilight "you're like a drug to me..." or whatever... I'm talking addiction like something вредно like crack cocaine. But what if it wasn't actually so вредно. What if you kept going back to that person because you're supposed to work it out. So then how do you decide if what you think is вредно is really вредно.... вот в чем дело. What if you break said person's heart every time you tell them you never want to see them again, only to come back and start the cycle all over again. Why does that person keep taking you back?? I don't want to hurt this person, really I don't. For the most part I consider myself to be kind and considerate. But I just can't stay away. Can relationships really be like addictions? And if so, where's the rehab?

here's some of the stuff I'm doing in ceramics class

Alice in....

2010-03-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

Insanoland....

Seriously, that movie was weird. And I'm not really sure how that can qualify as a kid's movie, maybe if you want your kids to go home crying and have nightmares for a month. As for Johnny Depp's dance... all I can say is, funderwhack? Really?

Anyway, life is good. :) There's stuff to tell but I'm too tired right now. I think it was a mistake to start this post right after work, because now I want to take a nap. Perhaps I'll finish this later. In the meantime I just want to say that my favorite moment of the day... nay, probably the week... was when Sophia told us that John (my boss) is going to be gone for the rest of the week. :D Joy.

Are those bells I hear?

2010-02-11T12:25:00.000-08:00

And yet another one of my best friends has succumbed to the beast. Anne is engaged.

I'm happy for her, really and truly I am. Being engaged is fabulous, so I hear, and I'm glad that one of my great friends has found her better half. :) But the thing is... my single friends are starting to dwindle, and no one wants to be the last one sitting on the bench alone. So I'm conflicted. But the happiness definitely outweighs the sadness (I hesitate even to call it sadness... its more like frustration)

Yesterday was pretty funny, I really think that I should be quarantined if I get less than 6 hours of sleep. I mean, I get like sleep drunk or something. I start spewing random thoughts that make no sense. I suppose it's entertaining as long as you don't just think I'm crazy. Eh, well I choose to embrace my oddities. пускай я буду сумасшедшей :)

Since it's still relatively early in the day I'll say my favorite moment from yesterday. Hugs :) I don't get enough of them.

Dare I?

2010-02-09T18:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you've noticed... but it's been a while since I've said anything. So what have I been doing you might ask? A lot. The documentary project that took up so much of my time last semester has been put on hold indefinitely, yeah kind of disappointing. But I'm still going to do it I swear. I just need to team up with some people that are a little more motivated. I still stand by the idea...

I almost got straight A's last semester :) That was a pretty big deal for me. I only got one B! New Testament... I guess that shows you where my priorities are. Heh, yeah. I'm still getting over the fact that I'll never take another class from Dr. Choate. I want to learn! More! His were perhaps the most brilliantly organized classes I have ever taken, is it weird that I love him so much?

Can I just say that I'm sick of old people questioning my personal life? It's funny because they always seem to find a way to make it my fault that I'm single. The other day my boss asked me if I lived at home, I said yes, so he said... "how are you ever going to get married if you don't meet boys?" Ok nosy boss, the problem is not whether or not I will meet a guy, it's whether or not I'll meet a guy who's not a total душ. Or my favorite is, "but you're so cute! how is it that you're not married?" What am I supposed to say to that? I guess this is what happens when you're 24, live in Provo, and still aren't married.

I'm venting too much.

So I'm taking my capstone class for history, yay... 25 pages of "Strange and weird history from early-modern Europe." Want to know my topic? Are you sure? Ok, 17th and 18th century cases of infanticide. Yeah, three months of research on infanticide... I hope I don't go crazy.

Speaking of which, we're studying WWII in my Japanese history class now. Man, I thought the European stuff was hard to take... why am I studying history again? I think I've had to desensitize myself to a certain degree in order to deal with all of these horrifying stories. War is awful, let's just leave it at that.

Anyway my parents are seriously contemplating coming to get me in Moscow when I'm done with study abroad! How fun would that be? I hope they really do. I want them to see Russia so bad.

Enough distractions for tonight, I'm getting back to my homework. The occupation of Japan post-WWII...

I can't sleep...

2009-10-25T01:29:00.001-07:00

... which isn't good considering it's already 2:30 am. Awesome... So what's new? Everything, and nothing. I know, profound right? I think it's funny that the only time I ever blog is when I can't sleep. That's probably because I'm too busy any other time.

Since I don't know what to say, I'll just start with today. I worked at the temple. It was amazing as usual. I got to do three veils in Russian today. The Russian sisters are always surprised to find that your not just reading the transliteration, you actually know Russian. Speaking of Russian makes me want to do this all in Russian, but then no one would understand right? А может это все-таки хорошо? Who knows.

I went to homecoming spectacular last night. Here is where I get on my soap box. I have an etiquette professor now that tells us, "in life you only get 5 standing ovations and 10 exclamation points." I agree, therefore I have always been very picky about my standing ovations. If you weren't amazing, I'm not getting up. It's that simple. I really don't care if the rest of the audience stands. I got a little peeved last night. We had really good seats and were close to the front. So this lady in front of me apparently REALLY liked the show, because she decided to give a standing ovation. When no one else deemed it worthy she turned and signaled for everyone to get up. I promptly turned to my date and make him aware of my intention to stay seated. Meanwhile, everyone else in the entire auditorium proceeded to stand. All because of one kooky lady. Really? Have you no self respect? You followers... Anyway, I didn't get up.

In other news I'm going to Moscow next summer for study abroad. Then I'm graduating in August! Finally! :P It's nice to have something to look forward to. I'm starting to get tired now... I think I'll try and go to sleep now.

I thoroughly enjoy this soviet poster.

The End

2009-05-08T11:35:00.001-07:00

Профессиональное Интернет-Радио «101.RU» - канал «Russia Top 50»

Have I found you?

2009-04-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

Listening to that song makes me want to write something profound. Do you ever feel like that? Like you've got something trapped inside and you just don't know how to get it out? I feel like that a lot. I want to paint something beautiful, or write a song, even write a good story. But every time I start out, something goes wrong. Maybe I'll figure it out someday if I find the strength to keep trying. :)

Once upon a time I painted this...

and this:

and I drew this:

I haven't done anything like that in a LONG time.

I saw Knowing tonight with my brother. I really didn't think that I would like it. But it was actually a pretty good movie, with a lot of religious symbolism, surprisingly enough.

On another note, I wish there were more people in this life that truly got me. I met one the other day. It was oddly comforting. No matter what front I put up, in the end that's all I really want. I act like I'm cold-hearted and stuck up, but all I want is for someone to just look at me and say, "I know that's not you... just put your guard down already..." I don't know why I try to act like I don't care (when I actually do), or that I'm "too cool"; it's so juvenille. Well, I suppose I know why. But sometimes knowing why doesn't make it any easier to fix. :(

This song makes absolutely no sense... but it's beautiful all the same

2009-04-07T01:28:00.001-07:00

can't sleep again

2009-04-07T01:03:00.001-07:00

:)

2009-04-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

I figured I needed to post something more uplifting than the Dachau story.... not that anyone reads this, although it seems some people do occasionally.

Well I got an email from my Russian professor today. It pretty much made my day :)
"Ваша оценка за класс А. Если Вы до конца семестра будете так же хорошо заниматься, Вам не нужно будет сдавать заключительный экзамен."

wooohooo!

Ok so, I think historical fiction is not my area. Ok so maybe writing fiction in general is not the best idea for me... I always expect it to come across one way, and everyone interprets it differently. Maybe there's a disconnect between me and the rest of the world that I should be worried about. Well, regardless I still write non-fiction well, (reviews, research, etc.) For now I'll just stick with that. Still, I should probably follow Prof. Newell's advice and keep trying. But it's so much easier just to give up :) Ahhh I'm torn.

I'm still having trouble focusing, this always seems to happen to me at the end of the semester. Although, I have to say it's coming a lot later this semester, which shows some improvement :)I've got one page done for my book review, only two more to go! It's not due until thursday, so I suppose I'm still ok. And... that's all I have left to do. Then it's exams!!

I'm sooo looking forward to this summer. I'm just going to chill, relax, and lay back... get the idea? After a year and a half stuffing my brain full of Russian and stressing out about people's salvation, and a semester at BYU (with some really hard classes) I'm ready to just do... nothing. Of course I'll have a job. But I demand that it be no-stress. You hear that? I demand!

this is kind of sad, but soooo cute!

2009-04-01T23:08:00.001-07:00

From Russia With Love <3

2009-03-23T11:19:00.001-07:00

I finally realized why I can’t write my Russian love story without being incredibly cheesy. It's because that’s how a Russian would write it. That’s how they would expect it to be. Russians are possibly the cheesiest people on earth, even the hardcore guys. You wouldn’t think so… it always seems like Russians should be the hardest and meanest people. But no, they are cheesy and corny. I just need to get myself out of the Russian mindset, which is hard because the story is based in Russia. I’ve been trying to put myself into the story and imagine what it would be like so that the story seems more real. But that’s not going to work for an American market. I have to get the Russian setting, but then put myself back in America in terms of personalities.

I was watching Kadetstvo the other day; it’s a Russian TV show. Honestly it made me kind of sick how cheesy the story and even the acting was. It was just so typical and cliché. For example... in one episode there is this boy, who is a student at a military academy, and he falls in love with his teacher (mind you this is an ongoing relationship I’m only giving the results of one episode) and she asks him to come to a café with her. She is leaving on a train soon and she starts asking him all these questions about another girl that is his age, he is basically like, “why do you care?” Anyway, they fight about it for a while, and he starts yelling, and she says “I care because to me you aren’t indifferent” Which I’m assuming translates better into “I care about you” and then, of course, she leaves and runs out of the café. He, of course, follows her and grabs her; very roughly I might add, causing her to drop her suitcase. She starts crying…and he says, “what did you say?!” She says, through tears, “I have to go… I have to catch my train…” and he says, “what did you say?! Is that true? Is that true!?!” And she says “yes… yes it’s true! But I have to go!” and he gives some stupid speech of… “I hope everything works out for you…. Blah blah blah…” and leaves, and as he is walking away the camera focuses in on the teachers face, and the boy is walking away behind her, she screams his name… "Maksim!" she turns around, then he turns around, and they run to each other’s embraces. They start kissing and he assures her that he will never let her go and that he’ll take care of her, then he asks for her train ticket and rips it up. SOOOO cheesy. But the best part is that while I was watching this all I could think about was how similar this was to my story. They do the same exact thing only at the airport. It’s really quite funny how that worked out. I swear I hadn’t watched this before I wrote the story. At least now I understand how corny my story was.

:)

2009-03-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

I'm happy... it's a good feeling. I was just thinking, you know... wondering why I'm being so positive all of a sudden, and I realized that I owe it all to my mission. It really changed me. I look at life different now. Not only am I glad to have a nice home, access to a good education, a family that loves me, the true church, to live in America... the list is endless by the way, but I'm just glad to be alive.

I remembered something that happened on my mission that really turned things around for me. It was when I was serving with Sister Rashupkina. I really am so glad I served with her, even though it was probably the hardest three months of my life up to this point. I learned so much with her.

Anyways, we were standing on the coast of the Volga in Engles, it was during zone conference. We walked out onto a dock-type-thing and looked into the water. Sister Rashupkina said something along the lines of, "Oh look how beautiful this is..." Mind you, she was looking out at the water. I, on the other hand, looked down and saw all the trash that had been tossed into the bank, probably by all the drunks that made their daily and nightly rounds across the coast. I said, "hmm... and I just see trash." Then I looked out across the river and saw Saratov... huge smoke stacks pumping pollution into the air at alarming rates. "I see pollution..." I honestly can't remember if it was something Sister Rashupkina said after that or if it was something I came up with on my own... but it really bothered me for a while... why was it that she saw beauty and all I could see was trash? So I thought about it and came to a good conclusion.

Sister Rashupkina... no matter how annoying she was about it at times, chose to see things the way they could be, not necessarily the way they were. This allowed for optimism without hypocrisy. A battle I had been struggling with my whole life... how do you be optimistic and realistic at the same time. I could never justify saying something was good, when I really thought it was bad... pretty when I couldn't stand the sight of it. But alas there's a great loop hole. Seeing things for the way they could be. So, in terms of the Volga, you can look at it this way: it really could be a beautiful river if they would just clean it up. So, you look past the trash and you see something grand, and you may even take the time to clean up the trash while you're at it :)

So I look at my life and I see what it could be, not what it's not... if that makes sense. I then work towards what I want it to be :) There are so many possibilities for me, so much to look forward to.

On another note... I think I'm going to start donating plasma if I can. I'm not sure if there's some restriction since I spent a year in Russia. Who knows, but I think that would be a good way to earn some extra cash :) maybe save up for a ticket to Russia. I found one today for only 600 bucks. That's not bad, and considering I wouldn't have to pay for a hotel... I can afford that. What I can't afford is to pass up an opportunity like that while I'm still single. Especially since I would have a free room in St. Petersburg and a free tour guide :) I could spend all day at the Hermitage ))) that would be amazing eh?

Ohh and I got the results back for the Russian challenge exam. Sixteen credits of sweet delicious A! I'm so happy, that's really going to boost my gpa which has kind of been suffering. I still can't believe I got a 99... so close to 100% I only missed one :)

Well I better get to bed now, I have to be to the temple early tomorrow. Oh and if anyone happens to read this... I'm performing on Sunday at 7pm at the Provo Tabernacle in the Russian Choir. It's going to be amazing so come!!

2009-03-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

2009-02-20T22:11:00.001-08:00

2009-02-19T20:28:00.001-08:00

we're singing this song for Russian choir. Its so pretty!

2009-02-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

moi liubimi gorod

2009-02-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

even MORE creative non-fiction :)

2009-02-18T00:09:00.001-08:00

For the Love of Dresses

‘Yeah… I’m a size four’ I thought. I leaned forward with my arms crossed, just as the sales assistant had instructed. I tried to remain silent and relaxed. But I could feel her tugging on the ribbons and with every cinch I felt as though the world was imploding around me. Was I going to be able to breathe after this?
“So when’s the big day?” she inquired politely.
“Well I’m not officially engaged,” I said.
“Oh… well how long have you been dating?”
“Not very long,” I couldn’t lie.
“Don’t jinx it!” my mother quipped. “It’s better not to talk about it because we’re not sure when he’s going to ask yet.” Nice save.
She made one final tug and then delicately tied the bow at the bottom. I stepped out of my room and onto the little platform covered in tacky red carpet. The mirrors seemed to be playing tricks on me. I knew I stood there a poor university student but somehow they reflected a princess. I turned to the side to get a glimpse of the back. Every bead seemed perfectly placed, the lace so refined. Turning back I caught a glimpse of my hand in the mirror. The empty space on my finger was just a reminder of my deception. At least now it was true that I was in love, just not with any man.
My mother stood in the background chatting with the other mothers. I could see she was enjoying this; perhaps a little too much. I let out a sigh as I stepped down from the platform. I grabbed my mother’s arm and pulled her into the dressing room where she proceeded to unlace the ribbon that was mercilessly holding me captive.
“Don’t worry mom,” I said, “someday we’ll get to do this for real. But for now my love affair will have to be with a dress.”
I looked at the dress on the wall one last time. It hung so lifeless and with out form. I wished I could take it with me. But unfortunately my deceit could not justify the eight hundred and eighty-eight dollars. So we left the store and tried not to look back.

more creative non-fiction

2009-02-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

Names have been changed….
A Day in Prague
While they were climbing the steep hill that led to St. Vitus’ cathedral in Prague, Elder Beck began to seriously regret the decision to bring his bag.
“I’m sorry you guys,” he mumbled, “I know President Russell told us not to bring bags. I can’t believe I left it there!” The worst he could imagine was that someone had stolen it.
As they approached the cathedral and nearby Prague castle they noticed an unusually large crowd. “Huh, that’s funny,” Elder Beck said, “there weren’t this many people here before.”
They all seemed to be congregating around something. A deep sinking feeling rushed into his heart. “oh no…”
They ran in for a closer look. The crowd was standing in a large circle and everyone looked on in the same direction. Elder Beck immediately recognized the object of their attention.
He knew what he had to do. He slowly approached one of the Prague royal guards.
He cleared his throat, “um excuse me…”
“We cannot talk to you right now, there is a bomb threat. Can’t you see that!”
“Yes… well… that is my bag…”
“What!! You come with us!”
The guards grabbed a hold of him and hurriedly dragged him to the interrogation room not far from the cathedral. The room was suffocatingly small and Elder Beck could barely see past the bright light that was dangling back and forth over his head.
“Who are you?” They shouted.
“I… I’m American, I’m serving as a missionary in Russia and I’m here to renew my visa. I just left my bag here on accident I swear!”
“If you are American show us your passport!”
“I don’t have my passport.”
“What do you mean you don’t have your passport? Where is it?”
“I don’t know….”
The guard slammed his fist on the table and leaned in closer, attempting to garner some new information from Elder Beck’s eyes. “You don’t know?? How do you not know where your passport is?”
“Well, we all gave our passports to some lady in the airport… we are supposed to meet her at six o’clock tonight to get them back… but I don’t know who she is or how to get a hold of her. ”
Unfortunately for Elder Beck this all sounded very suspicious. However, after another series of interrogating questions the police finally realized he was just a dumb kid who had forgotten his bag and let him go. As the police escorted Elder Beck back outside, he mumbled shamefully, “So… am I going to get my bag back?”
The guards said, “oh yes… you’ll get your bag back.”
Meanwhile, back at the cathedral the crowd was continuing to grow. They watched the mysterious bag with eyes wide open, anticipating a grand explosion or an exciting arrest.
With a push from the guards Elder Beck began the long lonely journey to the center of the crowd. Somehow the hundreds of tourists who had gathered managed to remain deadly silent. Elder Beck had only the laughter of his fellow missionaries to comfort him as every eye focused on the seemingly ignorant American. He hung his head and watched the ground, counting the cobble stones as he went along.

creative non-fiction

2009-02-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

“The branch president wants you to bear your testimony.”

“Today??”

“Yes he will call you up once the meeting starts.”

“But… I don’t speak Russian. I can’t…”

“Look, you’re a missionary, you are supposed to testify, what did you do for three months in the MTC?”

“I don’t remember…”

I was terrified. There was no way I could get up in front of a congregation of Russians on my first Sunday in Russia and bear my testimony. What was the branch president thinking? They probably figured they’d get a good laugh out of it.

I struggled to pay attention to the announcements, catching snippets of words I knew. When all of a sudden I heard the most familiar and dreaded of them all, my name, “Cestra Pyerkinz.” It was my signal to go up to the front… that along with the hundreds of eyes suddenly staring at me.

I stood at the podium. My shaking arms were sending vibrations into the old wood and rattling the microphone causing an uncomfortable clicking noise. I let go of the podium. Everyone was looking at me. I knew they were just waiting for the American girl to mess up, to say something funny like new missionaries always do. I took a deep breath. I began to speak, honestly not even knowing what was coming out of my mouth. Surely every word was incomprehensible, muddled and confusing. I could feel the tears coming. It was certainly not because I felt the spirit, although I was prone to let them believe that. I was mortified, embarrassed, and the stress of moving across the world was finally coming to the surface. I had to sit down. I quickly ended my speech and ran back to the seat next to my companion. I was ready to burst into sobs. I could have called the mission president right then and there. “Send me home now!” I would have said. “I can’t do this! I can’t learn Russian!”

But just as I was loosing all hope, I looked up with tears welling in my eyes. I saw the branch president. He looked back at me. It wasn’t much to be sure, but he smiled at me and he held up his thumb. I saw the word “molodyets” (“Good job”) move silently across his lips.

I smiled back and almost magically the tears subsided. I pulled my notebook out of my bag so that during the meeting I could write down all the words I didn’t know. After all, if I was going to be in Russia for fifteen more months I better start learning the language.

and another...

2009-01-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

This time with the English translation... because I didn't find it too unbearable :)

To ***
I still remember that amazing moment
You have appeared before my sight
As though a brief and fleeting omen,
Pure phantom in enchanting light.

Locked in depression's hopeless captive,
In haste of clamorous processions,
I heard your voice - soft and attractive.
And dreamt of your beloved expressions.

Time passed. In gusts, rebellious and active,
A tempest scattered my affections
And I forgot your voice attractive,
Your sacred and divine expressions.

Detained in darkness, isolation,
My days would slowly drag in strife.
With lack of faith and inspiration,
With lack of tears, and love and life.

My soul attained its waking moment:
You re-appeared before my sight,
As though a brief and fleeting omen,
Pure phantom in enchanting light.

And now, my heart, in fascination
Beats rapidly and finds revived:
Devout faith and inspiration,
And tender tears and love and life.

К ***
Я помню чудное мгновенье:
Передо мной явилась ты,
Как мимолетное виденье,
Как гений чистой красоты.

В томленьх грусти безнадежной
В тревогах шумной суеты
Звучал мне долго голос нежный
И снились милые черты.

Шли годы. Бурь порыв мятежной
Рассеял прежние мечты,
И я забыл твой голос нежный,
Твой небесные черты.

В глуши, во мраке заточенья
Тянулись тихо дни мои
Без божества, без вдохновенья,
Без слез, без жизни, без любви.

Душе настало пробужденье:
И вот опять явилась ты,
Как милолетное виденье,
Как гений чистой красоты.

И сердце бьется в упоенье,
И для него воскресли вновь
И божество, и вдохновенье,
И жизнь, и слезы, и любовь

Romance :)

2009-01-28T15:24:00.000-08:00

another amazing poem by Pushkin

Ночь
Мой голос для тебя и ласковый и томный
Тревожит поздное молчанье ночи темной.
Близ ложа моего печальная свеча
Горит; мои стихи, сливаясь и журча,
Текут, ручьи любви, текут, полны тобою.
Во тьме твои глаза блистают предо мною,
Мне улыбаются, и звуки слышу я:
Мой друг, мой нежный друг... люблю...
твоя... твоя!...

Татьяна Буланова Не плачь

2009-01-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

seriously might be one of the saddest songs I've ever heard...

dobro pazhalovat domoi!

2009-01-26T14:44:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm finally updating my blog. Its been forever. Well, it seems like it. Life... is so freakin good right now. I'm actually not behind in school, I got an A on my russian quiz, and Sister Mckay finally got home! Good weekend for sure. I went out both Friday and Saturday. Saw Gran Torino... good movie, definitely up there on my list of favorites. On Sunday I went to Sister Mckay's, a.k.a. Anne's, homecoming. It was good to see her again. I also got my recorder back. Sister Ksyupova had left me some messages. It made me a little sad to listen to them. I just really miss the mission sometimes. Well, mostly I just miss the people there. I do not, however, miss getting up at 6:30 every day :)

I realized the other day that pretty much all of my high school friends, well the mormon ones, are either married or engaged. Hmm... I'm not sure how I feel about that. But alas I will not worry about that, because as I decided last week after the campus devotional, I am going to concentrate on the process and let the end work itself out. I've got a lot going on with school and romance is just going to have to sneak its way into my life... as I'm sure it will, because its pretty good at that.

I really like my classes this semester. I have some awesome professors. I really lucked out. I love creative writing, because it actually makes me sit down and write. Which I should do more often. I also have to do a lot of reading for that class as, which is good because otherwise I would never just sit down and read three hours of poetry. I've been writing poems for the past few weeks, I might post some on here. I have to keep a notebook of ideas too... so beware, if you're talking to me and you say something stupid... I'm writing it down :)

Well anyways... I'm a happy girl. Life is good and I hope that doesn't change anytime soon.

somnyeniye

2009-01-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

ok... so I'm sitting here in my little corner of the HBLL feeling a little bit... ok no a lot bit overwhelmed. I can't even explain it. I just turned down the interview for the job I was almost willing to kill for and I'm wondering if I haven't made a huge mistake. Why is it that I can never follow through? I have this illusion of being something great... but you crack the shell and there's nothing underneath. I really wanted that job.... its like I go into self protection mode and think that somehow it is easier if I turn them down than if they turn me down. In all truth, I could have probably made it through the semester with a job, especially this one since its on campus and probably wouldn't be too hard. When I told the lady I was turning down the interview she looked at me like I was crazy... she was probably thinking something along the lines, "you are the one who applied for the job... whats your problem?" I can't believe I even got Ron Maines(co-founder of the history channel) to be a reference for me... I'm such a dork. And to top it all off, the lady called me on friday... I just went in today to say no. Real professional.....

Hmm so what was Elder Holland's devotional about yesterday? Looking forward and moving on. Easier said than done, I think that's my biggest flaw actually. I have trouble letting go and just getting over things. Too much self reflection....

ok well other than that little slip up, life is going reasonably well. I think...

I'm looking forward to the Russian old new year party on friday, I'm really hoping that will pull me out of this slump.

2009-01-14T00:14:00.000-08:00

I loved you... by Alexander Pushkin

Я Вас любил А.С. Пушкин
Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может
В душе моей угасла не совсем;
Но пусть она вас больше не тревожит;
Я не хочу печалить вас ничем.
Я вас любил безмолвно, безнадежно,
То робостью, то ревностью томим;
Я вас любил так искренно, так нежно,
Как дай вам бог любимой быть другим.

2008-12-28T01:06:00.000-08:00

ahhh I can't sleep. I want you to know that I'm typing this on my cute new little tiny computer that I just bought at costco. I love costco. Its such a small computer, but since I already have a pretty decent one I thought it foolish to invest in a new computer, but I wanted a laptop to take to class. So thankfully, costco provided me with the greatest option... a really cheap laptop that does everything that I need it to do, I can take notes, use the internet and write papers up on campus. Then if I need to use a more intense program I can use my computer at home. This is pure joy.

I hate nights like this. Because I can't sleep... so I end up having to make the decision... do I just stay up all night (which is stupid and I never end up doing) or do I try to go to sleep (which will take forever) and risk not being able to wake up on time in the morning. Either way I'm going to be tired tomorrow night, so I guess that's reassuring.

Life is complicated right now. Which makes things more interesting I suppose. I need to figure out how to get better answers to my questions is all.

I took a color test today. Apparently I'm a mixture of blue, white, and red, with a touch of yellow. I'm not exactly sure what that is supposed to mean, but I suppose I'll figure that out as I keep reading the book.

Well since my excuse for not trying to sleep is now coming to an end (television broadcast of my best friends wedding) I think I'll go ahead and make that attempt now. Oh... spanglish is next. I love that movie. But thankfully I watched that while I was in Vegas... so really I have no excuse now. I'm going to bed.

Well thats all for now.
Favorite moment of the day? When I realized that there are actually people in this world who are more emotionally handicapped than me :) i.e. guy that wanted to ask me out today, and aparently doesn't take rejection very well. Sounds crueler than it really was... he's just a weird kid.

Goodnight

The curses of modern technology

2008-12-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

So I sit here right now a very embarrassed... and maybe a little ashamed girl. I was very bored so I made the mistake of going through some old emails that were still on facebook and myspace from before my mission. There happened to be some from former boyfriends. As it turns out.... I have been very mean to some very nice boys. I never really considered myself a manipulator... but I think the realization that I have only just now come to is that I may not be the worst there ever was.... but I'm definitely up there. Its almost funny because I always considered myself the victim... but as I read what they wrote to me I realized that I totally didn't deserve them. I mean, I was seeing like three guys at once at one point, and I was just dragging them along for the ride until they refused to take it anymore. Thats bad. I suppose its a good thing that I've come to understand that... albeit a little late.

This is what not having a job will do to you.

I need to find a better way to occupy my time. Well in January I'll have school. So I'm excited about that. I just got back from the WNFR in Vegas... it was great. There were some hardcore cowboys there. We're talking riding broncs with a broken arm... and bulls with a leg broken in two places. You want to talk pain.... that's hardcore.... or very very stupid. One of the two. Regardless I maintain that cowboys are hot.

hot boys and hot springs....

2008-11-29T22:57:00.000-08:00

a lethal combination. Ha.. just kidding. No, but really last night was fun. I went out with the girls to dinner and then Cassie King's basketball game and we ended up going to the hot springs in Midway with a bunch of people. I really didn't know anyone, except Anna, but it was fun. I got to know some new people, and it was good practice at the whole "social" thing. I could get used to this.

I think I might have burned my legs at the hot springs. Is that possible? Because its been almost 24 hours and they are still red. It was blazing hot there, and we had to keep getting out and sitting on the rocks to get cool. Hmm... I wonder what kind of damage that can do....

So to give you a little peak into the unbelievable excitingness of my life right now... biggest concern of the moment.... that would have to be me driving up to Salt Lake all by myself on Monday to pick Taylor up from the airport. Yeah... I kind of agreed to that with out thinking. See.... I haven't driven a car in over a year and a half... and uh yeah... I'll have to go on the highway, merging... high speeds... Utah drivers. Needless to say.... I'm terrified. I'll get over it, or at least I have to. I don't really have a choice now. I can't pick him up with my mom. That would be... awkward.

I find myself still remotely obsessed with Russian stuff. I'm not too sure when I will get over that, its just that now I can listen to all the music I wanted to my whole mission, and watch the movies or TV shows that everyone talked about. I'm thinking if after two months I haven't moved on I can start to worry. But until then, I'll take in all the Russian culture I can. Oh wait... I'm taking a Russian culture class next semester..... never mind.

I'm tired because I didn't really sleep much last night. We got home late, and then for some reason I decided to watch a movie and ended up waking up early. So yeah... I'm going to catch some z's so I can be fresh for tomorrow.

I'm excited to go back to the old ward and see everyone. I wonder who's still there, who's left. I'm sure I'll have to deal with the onslaught of mission questions again, but that's just part of the deal. And I don't really mind talking about my mission, its just that I've been repeating the same stories over and over and over again for the past few weeks and I'm starting to get sick of them. :) They're loosing their entertainment...ness. Yeah, about that. I'm aparently still learning english. Really, I haven't found it that hard to get back into the habit of speaking English. But there are some words in Russian that don't have good English translations and then it gets frustrating searching for a replacement word.

Anyway, I think thats enough. It was a good week. I'm glad to be alive.

Favorite moment of the day: veal at Caraba's with my parents and some family friends (the Bates) oh and watching "An American Tale" :)

More than meets the eye

2008-11-27T20:58:00.000-08:00

Ok well... since I have been like a total and complete slacker on journal writing since I got home from my mission, I thought I'd go with the cool kids and start a blog. It can be kind of my journal-like-thing.

Today was thanksgiving. Good stuff, turkey, family, games, and good movies. I watched Transformers.... cool movie but I couldn't sit still. Sometimes I get a little too involved :) I got to spend more time with my darling nephew Jaylen. I love him to death, and it just makes me want to get married even more. I think its my turn. Hmmm... then again maybe not.

I've been bored out of my mind lately, and I'm afraid that I have nothing interesting to say right now. Literally I do nothing everyday. I think its about time I found a job. Unfortunately, I'm a bit lazy. Hmmm what did I learn on my mission....

I think I'm ready for a boy in my life. Where are you? I saw the movie Twilight last week, and love looks like it would be pretty fun :) ha too bad that was a movie, and about vampires no less. Ahh yes, Hollywood loves to torment us girls with notions of "true love" and destiny, that are really just illusions. Don't get me wrong. I believe that love is powerful, and that you can spend your life with someone and love them more than anything, but really the idea of love at first sight or "one" true love is really just a bunch of rubbish that only makes us feel bad when we don't find it. But I miss having someone there, someone to tell everything to.... ie companion. I suppose all return missionaries go through this at some point.

Well, I think thats a good start, so goodnight everyone and good luck.